The protagonist of the film As Good as It Gets (1997), Melvin (played by Jack Nicholson), is a romance novelist. However, he has a twisted and cynical personality, coupled with a typical obsessive-compulsive disorder that he cannot control. Every time he washes his hands, he uses a new bar of soap and repeats the handwashing ritual several times a day. He obsessively checks the four locks on his apartment door, locking and unlocking them repeatedly to ensure the door is securely locked. Moreover, he is a cranky person who constantly disdains others’ lives and spews insults at anyone who doesn’t meet his standards. Yet, even someone as difficult as Melvin can’t live alone, and to save him, a patient and positive woman named Carol (Helen Hunt) appears. When Carol, who knows how to care for others, asks Melvin to give her a compliment, he replies:
“You make me want to be a better man!”
Melvin, who even hates the medication prescribed to treat his condition, begins to open his heart and take his medicine because of Carol. And the reason is none other than Carol herself. As Carol’s following line suggests, this statement is indeed “the best compliment” one can receive. It means he wants to be a better person not for himself, but because of the other person. Naturally, their love story ends with a happy ending.
Among the people around us, the most challenging individuals are often those we live with. The success or failure of our lives is largely determined here, especially if success is not merely defined in economic terms. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, specifically refers to the ability to read others’ emotions and intentions and to get along well with others as “social intelligence.” Social intelligence, as he describes it, is essentially the ability to care for and understand others, or in other words, the ability to manage one’s social network. However, merely knowing many people doesn’t necessarily mean one’s social intelligence is high; what’s more important is the nature of those relationships. In 2007, Business 2.0, a sister magazine of CNN, selected 50 global celebrities and asked them about the “keys to success.” One of the lessons they offered was to “be considerate of others.” Ha Dong-sik’s Think Big carries the subtitle “Lessons for Success from 50 Global Leaders.” These 50 individuals are the “50 Power Persons in the World” selected by CNN Money. Although various success tips are introduced, unfortunately, there are no new secrets. The teachings of listening, consideration, passion, self-respect, and courage are things we’ve always heard. Ha Dong-sik, the author of Think Big, also offers the opinion that “the success tips of famous people were actually quite ordinary. What mattered was how sincerely they practiced them.”
So, what must we do to be together with others? It seems that applying everything, like consideration, praise, and listening, to reality is all it takes. But it is not that easy. All of us prioritize our own desires, making us awkward with consideration or praise, and hard-earned “skills” like these can quickly become insignificant due to criticism that hurts others or arrogance that boasts about oneself. This is why humility should be the first thing we think about when trying to be with others because it is human nature. Humans prioritize their safety above all else. No matter how much praise is given, a single negative comment can instantly deteriorate a relationship. It’s something everyone experiences. Psychology explains this as the “negativity effect,” where humans perceive negative information more strongly than positive information. Arrogance is conveyed as a negative message to others. In this sense, the first thing to consider in relationships with people may not necessarily be praise in the active sense. Humility comes first, consideration for others follows, and only then can the skill of praise truly shine.
Most people believe they are more popular than the average person. They tend to overestimate their talents and attractiveness. This is where humility begins to wane. The 2007 CEO Report published by LG Economic Research Institute outlines the conditions of a prestigious CEO. Surprisingly, the first condition is not skill or ability but “humanity.” This report states that “true humanity in a manager means having a well-balanced combination of consideration, praise, and humility.” In fact, the number one virtue cited by many successful CEOs is always “consideration.” On the other hand, surveys of employees consistently show that the most disliked person is “someone who boasts.” What does this result tell us? It’s hard to easily like someone just because they have shown consideration to us when we already dislike them. Negative things dominate our thoughts. The Bible’s Proverbs, which consists of 31 chapters, teaches in almost every chapter not to be arrogant but to be humble. Proverbs 18 records, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” How decisive is that expression? To take our discussion a step further, we could paraphrase 1 Corinthians 13:13 and say that in order to be with others, “three things are needed: consideration, praise, and humility, but the greatest of these is humility.” If this humility is established as one’s principle, then consideration, a slightly more active virtue, can be thought about.
A blind man walked down the street at night with a water jar on his head and a lamp in his hand. A person he met asked, “How foolish! Why do you carry a lamp when you can’t even see?” He replied, “So you don’t bump into me. This lamp is not for me; it is for you.”
This story, cited from Living and Dying by Baba Haridas, a spiritual teacher in India, became more famous after being introduced in Han Sang-bok’s Consideration. People are deeply moved by this small story. And that might be enough. But let’s take a closer look at the situation above. Since the blind man cannot see the light, it’s easy to conclude that the lamp is for those who can see. The effort of carrying a lamp he can’t even see to show consideration for others gives us many lessons. But is it really so? In reality, the lamp carried by the blind man makes others cautious, preventing them from bumping into him, which ultimately benefits him. Therefore, it would be more honest to say that the lamp is not for me but for us. It may seem like I’m unnecessarily dissecting a good story, but this give-and-take is the true meaning of consideration. Han Sang-bok summarizes the five practical points of consideration as follows: “Consideration is giving what the other person wants. Consideration is giving first before receiving. Consideration is something that must be practiced daily. Consideration is natural and enjoyable. Consideration is small but great.” Perhaps we should add that consideration is not only for others but also necessary for oneself. Consideration comes from empathy. The term empathy is translated as “empathy” or “sympathy” in psychology and medicine. It means sharing opinions or feelings with others to be with them.
However, consideration for others and merely being mindful of others are two entirely different things. Moreover, if the other person’s demands are unfair, we must always be able to say “No.” The ability to say “No” honestly is necessary for everyone and is a valuable principle in daily life. Saying “No” or “No” does not contradict consideration. On the contrary, my honest attitude ultimately benefits both parties. Consideration should not be one-sided but mutual. In this light, courtesy and order come from consideration for each other, and Stephen Covey’s win-win strategy also stems from this. The difference between advanced and backward societies ultimately lies in whether consideration has become a cultural norm. Consideration is essential for personal relationships and serves as the infrastructure of happiness for society as a whole.
If you have this mindset, you can now use the strategy of actively praising others. In fact, praise is a simple yet highly effective strategy that can even make a whale dance. In Whale Done!, Ken Blanchard reveals the secret that the reason a killer whale, weighing over 3 tons, performs fantastic jumps and stunning shows is due to the trainer’s praise. When the killer whale performs well in the show, it is immediately praised, and when it makes a mistake, instead of being scolded, the trainer redirects its attention and continues to encourage it. The author calls this the “whale response.” In other words, the whale response occurs when you immediately praise someone, clearly point out what they did well, and encourage them with positive emotions about what they are doing.
In fact, we’ve heard these words so many times that we’re almost tired of them. There seems to be nothing more needed in interpersonal relationships. The three things of humility, consideration, and praise are more than enough if consistently put into practice. Of course, this statement also implies avoiding the behaviors or attitudes that are the opposite of humility, consideration, and praise. The opposite of humility is arrogance, the opposite of consideration is rudeness, and the opposite of praise is criticism or reproach. Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, emphasizes as the number one principle of dealing with people, “Do not criticize, condemn, or complain.” Dale Carnegie explains why we should not criticize as follows:
“It puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
If we can embrace faith, hope, and love as fundamental principles of life, and put humility, consideration, and praise into practice as guiding principles for interpersonal strategies, perhaps we wouldn’t need any further interpersonal skills.
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